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Far too many people see divorce as a sign of weakness  – and divorce counseling as a dispensable, if not suspect, way to pass the time. Alongside the legal and financial aspects of a divorce, there are a myriad of emotions to sort through as well. While hiring an experienced and reputable divorce attorney makes sense to ensure you get everything you deserve, a professional divorce counselor or divorce coach will ensure that you get the emotional support and tools you can use to get through the divorce unscathed. Here are some tips on divorce counseling assistance when the need arises. 

What to Expect from Divorce Counseling

Divorce counseling is short-term counseling aimed at managing the emotional hiccups experienced by those going through a divorce. Counseling typically happens during or after the divorce process is initiated. You might choose to attend counseling alone, with your former spouse (“exit counseling”), or with your children. A counselor can help you work through disagreements or communication issues, for example. But counseling is tailored to meet your particular needs, so it will look a little different for everyone. At its core is the goal of making everyone feel supported and prepared for life after the divorce.

Types of Divorce Counseling

Every person, couple, and family has different needs. For this reason, there are different types of divorce counseling. The four most common are:

• Individual Therapy: This is the way to go for those who are experiencing depression, anxiety, or personal failure in the divorce. Individual counseling sessions are a great space to work through these all too common feelings and gain a more positive perspective to take into life after divorce. 
• Couples Therapy: A therapist or mediator can offer assistance working through various sticking points. A divorce counselor can help both parties establish guidelines to minimize negative contact, and facilitate dialogue to promote healthy discourse around financial and parenting issues. 
• Family Therapy: Children often experience feelings of wavering loyalty, isolation, anxiety, and even abandonment as decisions are made which deeply affect them without their input. Some children blame themselves for their parent’s divorce. Family therapy allows all parties involved to work through the changes together to reframe what is occurring in the family for long term emotional stability. 
• Certified Divorce Coaching: Divorce coaches provide strategies and tools to help cut through the confusion of the divoce process while helping identify key issues and desired outcomes around financial, custody or personal growth. 

How to Find Help

There are a variety of ways to go about getting the right divorce counseling you need. These days, online or zoom therapy is a viable option for many, as they can fit sessions in with their lifestyle and schedule. Some resources for learning more about divorce counseling are:

1. Your divorce attorney
2. Your Health insurance
3. Your church or faith-based organization
4. Friends and coworkers who have been through a divorce
5. BetterHelp E-Counseling Platform 

Divorce can be an overwhelming and seemingly never-ending process. There is no shame in getting the support you deserve, including counseling or coaching. Obtaining additional assistance to supplement the legal guidance and advocacy undertaken by your lawyer will only benefit you and is well worth the effort and resources. 

When you and your spouse officially separate, questions immediately arise. Decisions need to be made. From living arrangements to temporary financial support to a custodial schedule for the children and everything in between, prompt agreements can benefit both parties. Separation Agreements can establish the lay of the land and provide order and stabilization during a potentially uncertain or even chaotic time. Learn more about Separation Agreements and how they can protect you. 

What the Separation Agreement Covers

Arising most often in a mediation setting, a Separation Agreement can resolve any open issue. It can be entered into before or after a Petition for Legal Separation or Petition for Dissolution (Divorce) is filed. Importantly, this agreement will not bind the Court in making future orders. Although the Court is likely to presume that the agreement terms were fairly developed with the best interests of both parties and the children, this is not a foregone conclusion. A Separation Agreement often includes the term “without prejudice” meaning that the terms do not constrain either party from seeking alternate orders in a litigation setting – if things fall apart. 

The Separation Agreement must be voluntary. Neither party should be coerced to sign. Violations of the Separation Agreement will not be enforced by the Court. If your spouse violates the Separation Agreement, the Court will not force him or her to comply. Any non-compliance issues or breaches will need to be timely resolved with a family law attorney. 

Some of the topics that are often addressed in Separation Agreements are:

• Child custody (e.g. “parents agree to equally share physical and legal custody”)
• Visitation arrangements  (e.g. “shared visitation in response to the child’s needs and wishes”)
• Child support (e.g. “the parties to equally share the expenses of daughter”)
• Spousal support 
• Insurance
• Property division (e.g. “parties agree to establish separate bank accounts with an advance distribution from community property made to each party”)
• Inheritance
• Debt payment 

Benefits of a Separation Agreement

Separation Agreements provide a common understanding at the beginning of the separation when tempers may be more contained. Merely the act of writing agreements down conveys a formality and understanding which provides more “teeth” than an oral agreement. Early written agreements could also set the tone and rules of operation for the entire case if skillfully drafted and endorsed by both sides. They could potentially save you a significant amount of time and money in the long run. Measures as simple as dividing bank accounts and opening new, post-separation accounts could save thousands of dollars incurred for a post-separation accounting. Litigation is often a time-consuming, arduous process. Resolving some or all of the issues listed above before trial can be beneficial to both your financial and mental health. 

The flexibility granted by Separation Agreements is another appealing aspect of this process. You can work creatively with your spouse to find solutions that meet both of your unique needs. A Separation Agreement allows you to require conditions that a judge often cannot. As a tool in mediation, parties will be encouraged to form interim or piecemeal agreements throughout the process. Diffusing hostilities and ending unrest on the “smaller” issues allows separating spouses to tackle the more polarizing aspects of the divorce likely to cause the most conflict.  

Privacy is another strong selling point. Court documents become public record. If you wish to keep the terms of your shared agreements private, you may choose to opt for a Separation Agreement.

How an Attorney Can Help

Whether you are drafting a Separation Agreement or reviewing one sent by your spouse, you are well-advised to work with an attorney representing you or working with you as a consultant. An experienced family law attorney will help you draft or scrutinize a Separation Agreement written by your spouse, his or her attorney, or your mediator, and ensure your needs are adequately met. For additional questions regarding whether a Separation Agreement can aid your divorce case, consult with an experienced family law lawyer local to your jurisdiction. 

Where do I even begin? I get this question a lot. The decision to end a marriage is seldom an easy one. Once the choice has been made, you may find yourself wondering what to do next or what to do first. While the specific laws governing a marital dissolution vary from state to state, the initial, customary steps of the process are fairly straightforward. Let’s proceed. 

File a Divorce Petition

The very first step in the divorce process is to file the petition for divorce. This document initiates the divorce case and lets the Court know you request its assistance with a legal matter. The Petition is like a civil complaint and is usually accompanied by a summons. Typically the documentation you will complete includes forms which:

• Identify the parties involved, the date of the marriage, and the date you separated
• Describe how you meet the state’s residency requirements
• (If applicable) request court orders for custody, child support, spousal support, attorney’s fees, and property division, etc.

Your state may require additional documents or information at this time. An experienced divorce attorney in your jurisdiction can help guide you through these steps if you have questions or unique circumstances or can of course complete the forms for you after consultation. The petition in California is a surprisingly simple and straightforward document. Nonetheless, you will want to make sure your initial filing is 100% correct. 

The petitioner will have to complete all of this initial paperwork and pay a filing fee. Check your local court system’s website for filing fee information.

Formally Serve Your Spouse

Once the paperwork has been filed, you are assigned a case number.  The other party will be formally served in person or by substitute service if your state permits. If it is safe to do so, it’s often a good idea to make your spouse aware the divorce forms are en route. No one likes a nasty surprise. 

In California, anyone over the age of 18 who is not a party to the case can serve divorce papers. Other states require a licensed process server to complete this part of the divorce. To avoid legal complications, it is best to use a professional to complete this step. Remember, you are not permitted to serve the forms yourself. 

Response Time

Once properly served, your spouse will have a set amount of time to complete the paperwork that they are required to file and serve. If they do not complete and return their paperwork within the legal time limit, you could apply for a default judgment. This ensures that you will not have to wait indefinitely for your spouse to respond. If you anticipate this happening, you will want to make sure your petition is detailed and complete with the specific relief you seek. 

Settle Out of Court

Many divorces do not go to trial given the expense and uncertainty of a litigated process, so odds are you will be able to negotiate a deal and settle out of court. If you have a valid prenuptial agreement, then most of your work is already done. If you are able to reach a settlement on your own, you can take advantage of the uncontested divorce procedure. If there are sticking points then mediation is an option to fine-tune and come to an acceptable compromise. Should that fail, counsel can often negotiate an out-of-court settlement for you and the stipulated Judgment can be submitted to the Court sans trial. 

Go to Trial

If you cannot settle out of court, your divorce will be set for trial and decided in family court. A judge (and in some states, a jury) will render a decision on all aspects of your divorce from support to property division to attorney’s fees and costs. 

Receive Divorce Decree

Once the waiting period designated by your state is over, the Court can issue a final decree or Judgment. This document makes your divorce official. The process is now complete. Keep paper and digital copies of this document and consider obtaining a certified copy from the Court.

Getting divorced can seem overwhelming, but starting the process should not be. An experienced family law attorney can help guide you through the process. For more information about what to expect when you start the divorce process, see our divorce preparation checklist.

Tax season is right around the corner. Millions of Americans are readying their paperwork and steadying their nerves – both of which will be required to submit those tax returns on time. If you are in the process of a divorce or about to start one this year, let’s explore some tax implications that are baked into the process so that you can be better prepared for what to expect next. 

How Divorce Affects Taxes

The biggest change to your taxes will be your filing status. You may submit a “married” filing tax return until the divorce is final. The calendar year in which your divorce is finalized and Judgment entered by the court terminating your marital status is the operative time period. You are legally married until this date. Until you are restored to the status of a “single” taxpayer, you may file “married” jointly or separately with your former spouse. A joint tax filing carries many implications and requires consent of your former spouse. If you have been legally separated or living separately for a period of time, then you may be able to file as “head of household”. Consult with your tax preparer for the most advantageous filing status for you.

Alimony & Child Support

Alimony (or “spousal support”) is no longer tax deductible by the payor or taxable to the payee for judgments entered after 12/31/18 as a part of the changes to the federal tax code. Prior to this time period and for many years, alimony could be deducted which was often a benefit for both payor and payee. However, depending on your state, you may still owe taxes on alimony on a state tax return (such is the case in California which for now has not conformed to the federal tax code changes). Child support is never taxable to the payee nor deductible to the payor.  

Taxes on Assets and Asset Transfers

In most cases, the IRS does not consider the transfer of assets between divorcing spouses as a taxable event. Consequently, the transfer of cash, real property, retirement accounts and other assets between spouses as a result of a judgment of divorce is tax-free. You may be subject to a capital gains tax on mutual funds, stocks, and bonds when you sell them to divide the assets. When dividing assets, you should keep in mind that depending on the asset type, it may have embedded tax consequences down the road that should be considered when you are dividing the marital estate  — in particular if you are choosing to equalize one asset type against another (e.g. a traditional 401K account which requires payment of taxes at the time of distribution).

Real Estate Sales Taxes

A home is oftentimes the most expensive jointly owned asset in a marriage. In the divorce, you can choose to sell the house and split the proceeds or allow one party to buy out the other’s equity in the property. Selling the home and dividing the net sales proceeds proportionately between spouses is typically the cleaner transaction and allows both spouses to exclude a larger portion of the capital gains taxes which may be due. If you elect to buy-out your spouse’s interest, any taxable capital gain incurred in future years will be your sole responsibility. 

Tax laws can be incredibly complex and their application very fact-specific. To top it off, tax laws change every year depending on new legislation and public policy shifts. You are well advised to consult with a qualified tax professional to guide you through the tax issues that come up around the divorce process  – division of assets, payment of support, and appropriate estate planning for your family.  

What can you expect when you’re getting divorced with kids in the mix? While the same legal steps are involved with or without minor children, the divorce process is almost always more emotional  — even among couples with “amicable separations.” It helps to be prepared. Here are some tips to keep in mind as you ready and steady yourself for grappling with custody issues during divorce. 

Divorce with Kids: The Process

Every state has a different procedure with unique terminology. Yet a generally expected set of steps is followed in most divorce proceedings. More than likely you can expect:

1. Divorce filing: custody and child support are included in the filing. In California, a request for child support is included in the filing (without asking) in any divorce case involving minor children of the marriage.
2. Emergency Orders (if applicable): if the children are at risk of physical or emotional harm from the other parent, you can ask the judge to protect them by establishing set boundaries, precautions and restraining orders. 
3. Mediation: always a good idea but mandatory in many states (like California) before the Court will make custodial orders. Because mediation is mandatory, it is provided free of charge by the county. Many cases settle outside of court even with a pending motion before the court. Sometimes having a neutral third party to assist can defuse a situation where emotions run high and two co-parents cannot reach an agreement on their own. Custody litigation is very polarizing. 
4. Divorce Settlement Agreement: if you are able to come to an agreement on child custody issues outside of court, you can include it as part of your settlement. The custodial provisions will always be modifiable if circumstances change or warrant a change in the parenting plan.
5. Appeals to Trial Court decisions: if you or the other party disagrees with the court order, it can be appealed – although quite costly and often challenging to appeal because the original court has wide discretion to establish orders consistent with the children’s best interest. Obtain legal advice from an attorney specializing in family law and/or appellate law. 

Put the Children First

Divorce is a significant change for everyone. Kids react differently to divorce, and it is important to keep them front and center in the decision-making process. The effects of divorce on children vary based on their age and temperament. Even when they are not expressing difficulties outwardly, children are little sponges that can soak up the stress of the divorce. They might be indirectly exposed to discussions about financial issues, cheating, violence, fraud, or other turbulence that they are not prepared to deal with yet. It is a good idea to consult with a counselor specializing in developmental or custodial issues to help with the changes your family is experiencing.

Understand the Judge’s Role

While widely considered in the best interest of children to reach an agreement outside of court, if you find yourself engaged in a litigation tug of war with your co-parent, keep in mind — the judge is there to consider the child’s best interests, and will place those above your or your coparent’s own interest in many circumstances. The parent better able to share the children will be considered the parent better suited for primary custody. Frequent and continuing contact with both parents is the legal standard to be followed as a “base line” but the court can deviate based on the best interest standard. See my blog post about factors considered by courts when deciding custody arrangements for more detailed information. 

Children May Have a Say in Custody Decisions

Realize that depending on the age of the child, the maturity of the child or the jurisdiction of the case, children may be allowed to have input in custody decisions. Know what the laws are in your state and prepare yourself for this possibility. It is the strong preference of most judges not to have children testify in open court; children may be interviewed in chambers or through a custodial evaluator who is appointed by the court as an expert. 

The most important first step to preparing yourself for divorce when conflict over the children is involved is to hire an experienced attorney specializing in family law with whom you feel comfortable.  A good attorney will guide you through the process and take steps to ensure that both you and your children are represented in the journey ahead.

You are not alone if you see divorce as a confusing and complicated process. You are being asked to make decisions quickly. So many documents and detailed information to compile in such a seemingly short period of time. All while experiencing the emotional strain of the end of a relationship. And while facing fear of the unknown. As with many challenges in life, it helps to be organized and prepared. As we learned in The Checklist Manifesto, you can use a divorce preparation checklist to ease your woe and defog your brain. Doing so will help you feel more in control of the situation and make the process proceed more smoothly. 

First Steps

Before you separate, it is advisable to set up secure avenues for receiving communications. If you are sharing a home, consider opening a P.O. Box so that you can privately receive mail from professionals like your attorney or bank and credit card statements for accounts you may open. Open a new email account dedicated to your divorce and “new life” if you and your partner have a shared account. Address all aspects of your technology. Change all the passwords on your personal social media accounts and any other online sites that are yours alone. When you are ready to proceed, contact a divorce attorney for a consultation or to hire the right person to represent you through the proceedings. Many family law attorneys offer unbundled services. Avoid relying entirely on what happened in your friend’s or neighbor’s divorce or material you read online or in a workbook. Divorce is not “one size fits all.” 

Legal Documents

Next you will need to compile any applicable legal documents, such as a will, trust or prenuptial agreement.  Start gathering tax returns and deeds to real estate. Your divorce attorney can help guide you on other key documents you will need immediately which could impact property division and support. 

Financial Information

Make a list of all financial information that pertains to both you as a couple and you solo. List your banks and credit cards, along with the balances for each account. Pull your credit report. Gather the retirement plans and insurance policies. Other financial information you may want to compile includes household bills, mortgage statements, vehicle titles and loans, and debt owed (e.g. taxes, student loans, etc.). Start making a budget of your monthly living expenses.

Children

If you have children, there is no ONE “to do” list.  Some moves you may want to make include – compiling records for child care expenses and other related fees; – notifying the school if your child’s address will change;  -let the school know if transportation needs are to be changed;  -make copies of your child’s school schedule and after school activities to share with your co-parent; -obtain a large calendar to plot out a temporary timeshare schedule.  

Other Assets

Make an inventory of important or valuable personal property. This will include items such as furniture, art, collections and jewelry. Make a list of things you would like to keep. Separate out gifts you received versus items you bought with joint funds. 

This “divorce homework” is tedious and time consuming for every person in your shoes. You are not alone. Sometimes it is helpful just to vent. You may want to consider finding a support group to help you with this transition in your life. I know many people who have found support groups very helpful in normalizing the process and feelings of divorce. 

Your attorney will make sure you have all the information needed for your divorce, but this list will help you get a head start. Also check out my New Client Checklist for additional tips. 

Divorce Preparation Checklist

• Contact an attorney for a consultation
• Open a PO Box for personal mail or change delivery to email
• Change your passwords online and put them in a safe place
• Open a new email account dedicated to divorce
• Obtain important legal documents
• Gather financial information pertaining to assets and income
• Open your own checking and savings account to deposit post-separation dollars
• Make a list of all debt
• Organize home and vehicle information
• Compile relevant information about children if applicable
• Gather tax returns, wills, trusts
• Organize income information like paystubs, W-2, K-1 and 1099 forms
• Make a list of employer benefits and look into accrued vacation for you and your spouse
• List retirement and investment accounts and gather current statements
• Save health and life insurance policies
• Make a list of unique personal property
• Find a counselor or support group – get referrals