Firm News & Updates

Divorce is tough but selecting a divorce attorney should not be. A top-notch divorce professional will make the process less stressful for you and will serve as your guide and advocate through the experience. Here are some aspects to consider when you are interviewing a divorce attorney.

Reputation: What Are People Saying

Before you start interviewing potential divorce lawyers you found on Google, Yelp or other lawyer referral websites, start by talking to your network of steadfast family and friends (and neighbors and co-workers if you trust them enough to share what you are going through). Do not be afraid to ask them who they know by word of mouth, who they have worked with, and who handled a difficult case in an effective way. Most people will be eager to share if they had a negative experience, and will be even happier to share a positive one. Once you have a list of names to consider, move to phase two. Look at each attorney’s website to learn more about them and contact them for a consultation. Not every attorney has a comprehensive, eye-catching or illustrative website, but you can use the website to cross-check the referral and to get a look and feel for the attorney before meeting him or her in person.

Initial Consultation: What to Ask and What to Listen For

Commonly asked questions at an initial consultation include inquiries about how property is divided and how spousal or child support will work – especially as to how these frameworks fit a specific set of circumstances. Concrete and definitive responses are unlikely to flow in an initial consultation when a limited set of facts are known and time is finite. There are many fact-specific outcomes in family law and the details do matter. However, a qualified lawyer and agile communicator will be able to offer specific guidelines as to how these issues will be looked upon and determined by the court. You want to avoid overly generic responses which do not promote an overall sense of confidence that you will be in good hands.

I find it is more important to listen than to do a lot of talking in an initial consultation. Everyone has a story and how they tell that story informs me about how they see the world and what their values are, both of which will be instrumental in determining if I am a good fit to represent them. Some attorneys treat initial consultations like a marking pitch and talk the majority of the time about their practices or share their “war stories” from other cases. You may be impressed or highly entertained by this approach, but be sure you know how the attorney sees you and your circumstances before you conclude.

Ask About the Practice

Ask questions about the divorce attorney’s practice. You may want to know how many cases they have at once (and what kind of cases they are – settlement-oriented, mediation or litigation) to determine whether the practice can make time and space for you. For example, a busy litigator should have a solid support staff or other associates available to you, as litigation often involves extensive preparation and adherence to deadlines. An attorney with a mixed practice is usually better able to juggle more cases at once as court-related and discovery deadlines tend to ebb and flow among clientele.

You also may want to determine whether the practice has expertise in an area that is unique to your case. For example, does your divorce involve a custodial move-away? Unique intellectual property or complex debt to divide? Special needs of a child to consider? Maybe you are interested in obtaining a nullity, rather than a divorce. Recent or extensive past experience with an uncommon area of family law that pertains to your circumstance is a major plus when selecting an attorney.

Hopefully, these nuggets of information have given you a good start to the process of selecting the right attorney for you. I cover this topic and more in a podcast interview I gave recently that may provide additional guidance. Learn more about how to hire the right attorney by tuning into my recent podcast on Constructive Uncoupling with Judy Weigle.

College is expensive, and the costs will no doubt continue to rise. Even if your child is not of college age, you are smart to consider these anticipated expenses at the time of your divorce. Do not wait until acceptance letters start arriving to address college payments with your ex-spouse. Negotiate the cost of college now so that you will both be prepared when the time comes.

Put it in Writing

First, understand that neither you nor your child’s co-parent are obligated to pay for college. For many families, college is simply unaffordable or would require substantial borrowing and resulting student loan debt. A court would not require a parent to take on that type of debt for their (adult) children. Because children are no longer “minors” when attending college, a parent’s duty to support a child through college is a voluntary one. However, the court will enforce a stipulated court order to support adult children or a contract between former spouses to do so.

With that said, do not rely on verbal agreements when it comes to college payments. College tuition is likely to be one of the most expensive investments in your children’s lives. For those who are not fortunate enough to have a fully funded 529 college savings account for your child, your best opportunity to negotiate a fair apportionment of the future cost is at the time of the divorce settlement.

Many parents are hesitant to do so and take a “wait and see” approach based on many factors including, a child’s future likelihood of success at college or confidence in a parent’s financial ability to contribute to an expense many years in the future. One cannot know what circumstances lie ahead such as job loss, economic downturn or a health crisis, all of which could detrimentally impact a parent’s ability to contribute to this sizeable future expense. Consider these possibilities before you enter into an agreement or order which cannot be modified or made contingent.

Determine Who Pays for What

There are various ways to determine who should pay for which college expenses. The simplest arrangement is to agree to split all costs 50-50, which assumes you have the same economic ability to contribute as your Ex. Another option is for one parent to pay for tuition while the other parent pays for the likely less expensive room and board. Items to consider when splitting costs, in addition to tuition and boarding, include books, fees, health expenses, lab and extra-curricular expenses, travel expenses, and possibly a stipend for the student for cell and internet connection, necessities or spending money.

Payments, Caps, and Limitations

Once you have determined how much money is needed for college and who will pay, determine how this will be paid, and put that in writing. One option is to set up an escrow account. Each parent can be required to submit a set payment per month. In some cases, a parent may opt to make a lump payment that is then invested in a college savings account while the child is young. These “529” accounts provide a number of benefits but have restrictions on how the money will be spent, so do your homework.

Payment caps and other restrictions may be a consideration for some families. You may want to place a cap on the maximum number of years that you will pay for a child’s college education. This will prevent you from being expected to support a college student for an indefinite amount of time. You should cover whether graduate school is included or not. A limit on the amount of money a parent will contribute per semester is also an option. An important point also to include in your agreement is whether full-time student status or a certain academic GPA is required to trigger the obligation for a contribution from the parents. I have seen a college payment provision backfire on the well-intended parents when a student opts to register for one class a semester over many years or consistently keeps failing grades but yet a parent is obligated to continue supporting them. Also, is art or trade school considered college in your agreement? Being specific will set expectations for everyone.

Require Insurance in Your Agreement

Life is unpredictable, and there is the chance that a parent will pass away, become disabled, or lose their job at some point after the divorce and before the child goes to college. This is where life insurance and disability insurance come into play. If anything happens to either parent, having insurance in place could help ensure the child’s college education will be protected financially.

The lesson here is to consider all of the options and consult with an experienced divorce attorney to help you negotiate the best arrangement to ensure your child’s educational future is safe.

Divorce can be a challenging emotional, as well as financial, process, and the desire to complete the process in a discrete, affordable way is a priority for many. How long does it take to get a divorce? Can you settle your divorce outside of court? Will the divorce records be available to the public? Let’s address those three very common concerns and questions.

How Long Does Divorce Take in California?

Before filing for divorce in California, you must first meet the mandatory residency requirements. State law requires residency in California for six months and in the filing county for three months. If these requirements have been met, the minimum mandatory waiting period after service of the initial pleadings is six months. If the divorce is “uncontested” and an agreement is reached which results in a settlement of all issues raised in the divorce action, a Stipulated Judgment may be submitted to the court earlier than the six-month period. However, the court will hold the Stipulated Judgment until the mandatory minimum waiting period is met.

In my experience, time flies and six months is shorter than it may first seem. It is atypical that a divorce is completed within the mandatory waiting period and most divorces take much longer. Disclosure requirements and resolution of outstanding issues often take more than six months to achieve. However, at a minimum, your marital status can be terminated at the six-month mark. Other issues, such as property division, child support, and custody agreements, can be determined separately at a later date.

Can Divorce be Settled Out of Court?

The vast majority of divorces in California are settled outside of court. Statistics show that as many as 95% of all divorce cases are settled by a written agreement of the parties without having a judge decide the claims. This high settlement rate is likely due to the emotional toll the process takes, as well as the great expense in professional fees generated preparing for trial. Many people decide that the certainty achieved in reaching a settlement outweighs the potential “upside” of what can be gained by litigation on a contested issue.

Nothing stops litigants from sitting together at the kitchen table and working through the issues on their own to achieve an acceptable and fair outcome. To the extent disclosure, direct communication and compromise are possible for two divorcing parties, a Stipulated Judgment resolving the divorce by written agreement can be achieved in several different “low impact” and cost-efficient ways, from use of the self-help center to a paralegal service to online divorce.

Notwithstanding these options, many of the cases I see need the “next level” of legal consultation or representation and simply require the involvement of a family law attorney. At times, legal assistance is needed because the personalities involved are conflictual. Other times the legal or factual issues are complex. One party lacks familiarity with the financial landscape of the community estate or holds concerns regarding sharing custodial time with the other parent. These can all be barriers to reaching a swift and simplified divorce settlement. Some matters require additional investigation and analysis or potentially the involvement of an expert to aid in reaching a resolution.

Even in these instances, however, alternative dispute resolution forums such as Mediation or Collaborative Divorce are good options. Collaborative Divorce is similar to Mediation insofar as the collaborative process is enveloped in a mediation privilege and is aimed at reaching a compromise, but instead of using a mediator, both parties have their own “collaborative” attorneys. They use one financial expert (i.e. an accountant) and one or two therapeutic “coaches” to make the process of facilitating an agreement as smooth as possible.

Absent these alternative forums, family law practitioners representing clients in a divorce may utilize a privately hired judge (typically a retired judicial officer) to act as a short-term settlement officer to assist the parties and counsel in negotiating and brokering an agreement on all issues in a private setting. This format, often referred to colloquially as a “voluntary settlement conference,” is one of the most effective ways to resolve a contested case without the need for protracted and expensive litigation.

Are Divorce Records Public?

Divorce records are publicly available in the state of California. Pleadings submitted in the course of the divorce litigation are also publicly available in the court file if the records are not sealed. The fact that personal and private information is publicly available is one key reason to consider reaching agreements outside of court, such as by stipulation and/or through alternative dispute resolution. It is anticipated that the Los Angeles County Family Law record system will soon be electronically available, which means litigants and interested professionals will have online access to these records.

Hopefully, this information will answer some of your early concerns as you begin this legal process. Divorce can be stressful. Doing your homework in advance should aid is always recommended.

From shared on-line accounts to cell phone family plans, technology and divorce overlap in a myriad of ways. Consider it essential to separate and start fresh the landscape of your digital life. Here are seven areas of technology not to neglect as you separate from your spouse.

Email Correspondence

To ensure your communications with your lawyer are confidential, you need a new designated email address with a secured password, such as a Gmail account (which a former client of mine affectionately called his “D-mail” account). In the paperless age, this will also keep you organized for the onslaught of paperwork coming your way. Avoid using a work email for private legal communications about your divorce because you do not want to find out later that your employer owns and/or has privy to all of these communications, documents, and details. You will want to keep communications and documents for future use which could become cumbersome to transfer or lost altogether if you change jobs. Having ready access to a private printer and scanner will also streamline the legal piece of your case and keep cost and aggravation to a minimum.

New Apple ID/Google ID

These often work on the “family” plan concept so be mindful that without creating your own separate profile, your spouse may have cloud access to your location, your calendar, your text messages, and your photos. Separating spouses will also want to remove themselves from any shared Cloud plans as this information no longer should be “shared” in the same way. One divorcing mom once told me how she had taken photos of critical financial documents she located in her divorce preparations, only to have those photos pop up on her spouse’s photostream, signaling her intent. Yikes! A word to the wise.

Cell Phones

If you and your spouse are on the same phone plan, it is time to separate the accounts. Better yet, change carriers altogether given that you can take your cellphone number with you. This will protect the cross-sharing of phone records by separating billing. Delete from your cell phone any strange apps you do not recognize and disable apps like the Find my iPhone app that can pinpoint your physical location. Access to a cell phone can be a major source of control between spouses. State law has recently expanded protections for domestic violence victims, including confirming sole use of cell phone numbers, accounts, and billing to the victim, as well as orders for the victim’s bill to be paid by the abuser for the term of the order.

Passwords

Technology permeates every aspect of our day-to-day lives, and as such, it is essential to change your multitude of passwords when divorcing. From Amazon to Netflix to everything in between, every one of your passwords needs to be changed. Make sure your password recovery system is not being sent to a spouse’s email. Consider changing your security questions for password recovery as well. Select passwords which are not easy to guess (for those who know you well!), do not use the same password for every account and consider using a password generator. Use your Notes app (which you can lock with its own password or fingerprint) or an app such as Dashlane to store new passwords securely.

Social Media

In addition to changing your social media passwords, now is a good time to audit your accounts for content. Public social media accounts (e.g. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat) are fair game when it comes to custody disputes and other court cases. Remove any social posts which do not serve you and remain cautious on future postings as well.

Text Messages

Similarly, be cognizant that text messages can be saved and presented to the court, living on far after the emotion which inspired them has died down. I have heard judges say they give substantial weight to text messages because they are considered “unedited” and revealing about a party’s credibility. According to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, text messages are one of the top three electronic elements used in divorce court. Simply put, never text something to your co-parent you would not want a judge to read. Also, save and print all text records that may be of value. Never rely on your phone to automatically hold them.

CoParenting Issues

Finally, if there is a likelihood of high conflict parenting in your case, consider a co-parenting app, such as Our Family Wizard, to help streamline interactions and merge schedules. These apps have shared custody schedules, secure messaging, expense management and file storage for family data such as immunizations. They are most often used between parents who have a difficult time communicating and offer “tone” meters as well as tracking of when emails are opened which creates some transparency and accountability.

De-coupling is never completely clean, and often far from easy. Yet protecting yourself against privacy breaches is something you can start right away and finish completely on your own.

Whether you initiated separation or the divorce came as a complete (and unwelcome) surprise, not prioritizing self-care in the process can contribute to a tougher time getting through the process or even lasting “divorce trauma.” In this month where so many are abuzz with love, romance and happily-ever-after, spotting these triggers and strategizing around them will pay dividends for you.

Put on your own air mask before helping others.

Many people view self-care as synonymous with being selfish. It is the opposite if you are going through the gut-wrenching pain of a divorce. Sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, helplessness, fear, rejection, blame, and loss of a dream – just about every color of the emotional rainbow will surface before this process is said and done. The trick is to not get stuck in these feelings for longer than need be. Now is the time to develop a dedicated self-care practice if you have never had one.

You must go through it to get through it.

I am a big believer in reminding my clients that this will end (eventually) and they will be happy (again). However, “this too shall pass” is hard to grasp onto especially when the legal part of the dissolution seems to be taking forever to conclude. While a spike in both anxiety and depression is to be expected in any phase of the proceedings, there are numerous techniques and tools to use right away to manage your emotions so you that you can focus on completing this difficult chapter.

Self-Care in Divorce

• Developing or turning back to a consistent spiritual practice. Prayer, meditation, gratitude journaling, spending time in nature or around beautiful art or music. Connecting with a wonderful friend. Visioning your new life. Whatever gives you a sense of short-term calm and long-term hopefulness is the goal.
• Using fitness and physical activity to combat anxiety and clear the mind. Physiological explanations abound for this phenomenon. Ours is not to ask why exercise helps, it just does. Whatever high or low impact work out appeals to you, this is one of the fastest and most consistent ways to turn around ruminating and catastrophizing, and the unrelenting “what ifs”. When in doubt, reach for the mind-body connection.
• Having boundaries – with yourself. Being overtaken by day-to-day, uncontrolled worry will do no one any favors. In her recent article about why you need a “divorce curfew,” Los Angeles therapist Virginia Gilbert, MFT, explains why “there is nothing good that comes from focusing on your divorce after 8 p.m.” By that same token, I suggest setting a time each week to think about your divorce, dispense with “divorce homework”, communicate with your lawyer the questions you have been saving up, and organize your thoughts and “to dos” on paper. If you have dedicated times to deal with your divorce each week, you may be less prone to periodic and intrusive thoughts outside those designated times, knowing that you will have “thought time” later. Keeping a journal by your bedside is an invaluable way to memorialize some of those fleeting questions and ideas you will want to re-visit with your lawyer or therapist.
• Having more boundaries – with well-intentioned others. I also suggest becoming conscious of those with whom you share your divorce story as it is unfolding. Divorce is one area where a lot of unsolicited advice is doled out, as well as not-so-productive “life comparing” amongst friends, relatives, and even acquaintances. Not everyone got through their divorce unscathed and many people carry significant emotional baggage even years after-the-fact. You can spot this unhealed pain because those with “divorce trauma” will want (and need) to tell you their story and “warn” you of many outcomes which, in reality, have no application to you. Their circumstances are not your circumstances – and these encounters can be very needlessly anxiety-provoking. Remember that your individual journey is unique. Sorting through the legal concerns you have with your attorney and through the emotional concerns you have with your therapist and getting the individual attention you need to your specific issues, are the safer bet.
• Managing (your own) expectations. Divorce is not fun, but it is also not a permanent state. In California, the mandatory waiting period is 6 months from filing and service to Judgment. However, the average length of a mostly uncontested divorce is approximately 1 – 2 years. Although daunting, it takes time to properly gather information, evaluate claims, and attempt to resolve differences in even a “simple” divorce. It also takes time to emotionally unravel the ties that bind. I have seen many a simple divorce sit informally “on hold” for months and years until both people are truly ready to tackle the uncoupling. On the other hand, I have seen many clients transform themselves from the inside out during their divorce. A weekend trip out of town can do wonders to shift perspective. A retreat or self-improvement course can spark inspiration for life ‘after’.

While it is good to keep your expectations realistic during the process, keeping your sanity is just as important. During this challenging time, do not skimp on, nor feel guilty about, self-care.